When it comes to my loved ones, my capacity to care and forgive and make exception is, well not endless, but it's pretty freaking vast. I feel like I have been at the center of keeping my family close and connected for years, and it's becoming clear that it could all be in vain. What I have to offer and am willing to do to keep up family ties is very rarely reciprocated. Still, I have kept at it year, after year, after bloody year.
Recently, I began a new chapter in my life. I am making some pretty big changes, which are still in the infancy stage of production. I am a giver by nature and rarely ask for anything from my people. With everything around me in a state of upheaval due to these changes, for the first time in a long time I put out a plea to my friends and family. I told them I was going to be swamped, life was going to be crazy, and I would need their help to keep in touch and stay grounded.
At first the response was an outpouring of love with people happy that I was making these changes, and there was an abundance of pride and support. Then, after a while, many of my people's tones began to drastically change.
I've always been the one who is accessible, there for everyone, supportive, and willing to drop everything to offer a helping hand. My family says jump, I ask how high. My friends need an ear, I rush right over.
Right now, that is just impossible … and it's pissing people off.
I'm not there for their immediate needs (paltry and significant alike), and it's as if I have personally affronted each and every one of them with my goals, needs, and busy schedule. I have spent an outrageous amount of time doing damage control. Frankly, as if I weren't exhausted enough as it is, I am now doubly exhausted by the drama. Which is funny, because I have been accused of being dramatic when I respond to my loved ones hostility and dramatic outlash.
Let me reiterate, I rarely ask for anything. I just need this year to get through the initial change. Yet, it's only been three months, and already I'm getting a crazy amount of grief heaped upon my plate. Needless to say, this has caused a huge amount of tension and stress between me and some of the people I am closest to. The lack of willingness to be understanding is astounding.
As with everyone, I have good days and bad; some weeks are great, others not so great. I'm working hard to stay positive, but all of the attitude, outright cruelty, and dissention from people I have bent over backwards for is flooring me. All I asked for was a little patience an understanding for this challenging period in my life, and apparently that's impossible. I've asked too much.
It's making me see people in a whole new light. I'm rethinking years and years of interaction with people I thought I knew so well.
It's possible I had unrealistic expectations of reciprocity. I've given and given for years on end, and finally I could use a little in return. I didn't think I was acting for much. That seems rather laughable now. At first I was pissed, but now I'm just really disappointed. I'm shocked by the amount of selfishness and immaturity that I'm surrounded by. Again, these are names people are slinging my way.
For now, I'm going to have to stay focused on my goals. I can't get wrapped up in the bitter bitch faces that are staring me down. No, I'm sure a taste of your own medicine doesn't taste good. I've been swallowing it for years. The irony is that you're feeding it to yourself.
I'm here. Still the same person who goes out of her way to do for others. I'm just incredibly tired and busy at the moment. I don't see all of your Facebook posts. I can't return phone calls, texts and emails very promptly, but I will get to them. A few days doesn't mean I don't care or that I am mad or ignoring you, it means I am that busy and don't have the time or energy to talk. I turn my phone off when I am at home. Mostly it's because I am asleep and really need the Zs. It's nothing personal. I'm not being dramatic. I'm not being childish. Stop being so self absorbed and show a little compassion and understanding. Practice what you preach.
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