Ashes

I'm having a bit of a moment. Crazy feelings of being alone and desolate. Even people closest to me don't hesitate to use every bit of trust and confidence against me. It's days like this that my faith in humanity crumbles into ash.

Beauty Maven and the Computer Beast: I’m a Complex Gal

A lot of people have asked me about my career change, not quite understanding the dramatic shift.  "You are going back to school?  BEAUTY school?  You have a college degree, a fabulous job.  You make great money, and you get incredible benefits!  The government gives amazing job security.  Why in the world would you leave all of that?"

 

Huh.  There are a lot of very positive and happy adjectives there: fabulous, incredible, amazing!

 

Simply put: I am not happy.  Yes, I make good money, I have good job security, and I get good benefits.  But those things aren't more important than my happiness.  I've been on this career path for eight years, ten if you take into account college.  I have struggled with this decision for a very long time now.  I have carefully weighed the pros and cons.  What I have realized is that we spend a huge portion of our waking hours at our "jobs", and if you are severely unhappy in your field of work, then that bleeds over into the rest of your life and lowers your quality of living.  Call me selfish, but I'm not willing to do it anymore.

 

Some facts...

 

We will take averages here: a twenty four hour day, a nine hour work day (with lunch), eight hours of sleep, with a normal Monday through Friday job. We have sixteen hours a day when we are awake, alert, and living our lives. Nine hours of that is spent devoted to our careers, and that doesn't account for time to prepare for your work day, for driving time, overtime, or people who work more than one job or are on call.  That nine hours alone leaves seven hours "free" time (and I use that term loosely) if you're lucky.

 

My own personal hours before school were as follows: preparation, commuting, plus time at work = twelve hours per day, Monday through Friday, devoted to work.  That left four hours each work day free.  Again, I use that term loosely because there is cooking, cleaning, chores, and errands that are other duties and not leisure activities.  That time really isn't all "free" time.

 

I love life.  I mean, I am truly a passionate person, and I want to get the most out of this experience on earth.  For me, work is a means to the ends.  I work to live, I don't live to work.  Work is the catalyst for my experiences so that I can afford all I want to see and do.  So when you are in a position you are miserable in, you soon discover there are changes that must be made, because staying in that position is not only detrimental to your happiness in life overall, but it's unhealthy.

 

In my current job, I commute forty five minutes each way to and from work.  I dislike driving with the rest of the morons on the road, and I resent them putting my life at risk on a consistent basis.  It's also a supreme waste of time and (gas) money.  I spend eight and a half hours in a cubicle, behind a desk, staring at a computer, alone.  I had perfect vision my whole life until I stared at a computer for two years, and my vision has continuously worsened since.  My body has been deteriorating with lack of movement, and I have to work extra hard to stay in shape.  The work is mundane and monotonous.  It lacks a creativity and hands-on interaction that I positively thirst for.  Also, being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

This is another point of confusion for those that know me.  Yes, I am an introvert; an INFJ to be precise.  So why would being alone bother me?  Well, introverts don't necessarily like to be completely secluded, thank you very much.  I enjoy positive interaction with intelligent like-minded individuals.  Just having someone to talk to periodically throughout the day can be a pleasure.  I also like to meet new people.  I love to study different types of human beings.  I am fascinated by all of our differences and how we experience life differently.  I am definitely a people watcher.  Sure, at the end of the day I am thrilled to go home.  It's my happy place and where I gain my strength and energy from.  If I am unhappy or having a bad day, home is the only place that can bring me out of my funk or comfort me while I relearn how to breathe after an upset.  My home.  My domain.  My warm and fuzzy.  That's the introvert in me.  But interacting with humanity can be pleasurable and entertaining.

 

In contrast, I am going into a career that feels completely opposite of the one I am in.  I'm going into the beauty industry.  Aesthetics, to be exact.  Skincare.  Mind, body and soul care.  This is the feel-good profession.  Your job is literally to make people happy and feel good about themselves.  It's incredibly gratifying.  Plus, people treat their estheticians as they do their hair stylists: we are therapists without the need to "fix" them.  They can vent and relax and just get it all out … and I get to listen to a lot of crazy interesting things about people's lives.  It's fantastic.  I'm on my feet, moving, interacting with people who, for the most part, want to take care of themselves and are living a healthy lifestyle.  Giving skin treatments is very relaxing for me.  It's warm, quiet, everything smells good, and I'm promoting an atmosphere of calm. 

 

I'm also a "toucher."  I love to touch and be touched, although the latter I am kind of particular about.  Touch does amazing things for people.  There are scientific studies that show you can heal through touch, with the energy in your body and surrounding us.  I've seen it first hand, and it feels great to give that to people.  Sometimes, the only way a person can truly relax and heal is through being touched.  It's amazing.

 

I also get to do makeup.  For a living.  Since I was a very small girl I have loved makeup, lotions, anything that can beautify the skin.  Transforming people through makeup is just plain fun.  Now, I'll get paid for it! 

 

Waxing.  Not much to explain here.  Sure, it's great to see people happy with their beautiful smooth skin, but there is a small, sweet little delight in the sound of stripping wax from someone's body and feeling their little jumps, seeing their tiny winces of pain … it makes me smile.  I love it.

 

What more can I say?  This career path feels good to me.  It feels right.  I am doing things that I enjoy and that feel really good.  It feels so different than when I got my college degree.  This doesn't feel like necessity, it feels like desire.

 

Still, even after my explanations, you may not understand.  Oh well, can't say I didn't try. ;)

 

Really, all that matters is that I get it.  The Husband gets it.  He says to me, "Honey, I understand. You are all about change, finding something new that suits you.  We'll figure out how to make it happen if it makes you happy.  Yeah, I may have to scramble a bit, but I do so gladly.  You keep me on my toes, and I love you for it.  With you, I am never bored.  With you, life is an adventure.  From day to day, I never know what to expect.  That's awesome."

 

He is my perfect.

 

Yep, that's all that matters.

 

<3

 

 

Exhaustion: Take 35

Saying that I am tired is an understatement.  I am completely and utterly exhausted.  I'm not that old.  I'm in my mid 30's, but it's clear that I'm not twenty anymore.  At the beginning of this year, I decided to overhaul my life.  I've been stuck on a career path I despise for eight years now.  It's time for change.

 

Change is way harder than I thought it would be!

 

I was a stay at home mother for ten years.  I loved being at home with my boys.  Then when both of my children were in school, it was time to go to college and choose a career path.  In this I felt quite pressured to help provide for our family.  I love to learn, but had no idea what I wanted to do career-wise.  After toying with a couple different majors, I finally made a decision.  The decision wasn't made out of love for the subject matter, but in a fashion very un-like my normally passionate self.  There was high potential for a great income, and I was really good at it and excelled easily.  It was a fast degree that quickly lead to easy money.

 

Eight years later, I was unhappy, stuck alone behind a computer for 40 hours a week, commuting out of town for this miserable job, and becoming ill with stress and anxiety about my dead end life.  Conclusion: money isn't worth this level of unhappiness.  I became desperate to find my joy again.

 

Thus: the big change.

 

I'm still working full time at my crap-tastic government job.  I have great benefits and incredible pay.  I am also going to night school so I can leave it all behind.

 

Monday through Friday I get up at 5:30amand head out into my crazy schedule, getting home at 10:00pm each night.  Commute, work, speed lunch, work, commute, school, commute, crash into bed, rinse and repeat.  It's been a few months and my body and mind are finally adjusting, although I am still exhausted on the weekends.  If I'm not busy with house cleaning, cooking or errands, I'm asleep.

 

I miss my friends and family, I miss working out, I miss evenings with my boys, I miss leisure activity.  In the end, it's worth it.  I keep telling myself life will return to normal (maybe be even better?) once school is finished.  I'll be working in a field I enjoy and am passionate about, I will have a more flexible schedule, and the atmosphere will be much more positive and up-beat.  I am beyond excited to reach my goals.

 

December, baby.  Time is flying.  It'll be here lickety-split!  I just know it. ;)

 

 

Pot, Kettle, Black

When it comes to my loved ones, my capacity to care and forgive and make exception is, well not endless, but it's pretty freaking vast.  I feel like I have been at the center of keeping my family close and connected for years, and it's becoming clear that it could all be in vain.  What I have to offer and am willing to do to keep up family ties is very rarely reciprocated.  Still, I have kept at it year, after year, after bloody year.

 

Recently, I began a new chapter in my life.  I am making some pretty big changes, which are still in the infancy stage of production.  I am a giver by nature and rarely ask for anything from my people.  With everything around me in a state of upheaval due to these changes, for the first time in a long time I put out a plea to my friends and family.  I told them I was going to be swamped, life was going to be crazy, and I would need their help to keep in touch and stay grounded.

 

At first the response was an outpouring of love with people happy that I was making these changes, and there was an abundance of pride and support.  Then, after a while, many of my people's tones began to drastically change.

 

I've always been the one who is accessible, there for everyone, supportive, and willing to drop everything to offer a helping hand.  My family says jump, I ask how high.  My friends need an ear, I rush right over.

 

Right now, that is just impossible … and it's pissing people off.

 

I'm not there for their immediate needs (paltry and significant alike), and it's as if I have personally affronted each and every one of them with my goals, needs, and busy schedule.  I have spent an outrageous amount of time doing damage control.  Frankly, as if I weren't exhausted enough as it is, I am now doubly exhausted by the drama.  Which is funny, because I have been accused of being dramatic when I respond to my loved ones hostility and dramatic outlash.

 

Let me reiterate, I rarely ask for anything.  I just need this year to get through the initial change.  Yet, it's only been three months, and already I'm getting a crazy amount of grief heaped upon my plate.  Needless to say, this has caused a huge amount of tension and stress between me and some of the people I am closest to.  The lack of willingness to be understanding is astounding.

 

As with everyone, I have good days and bad; some weeks are great, others not so great.  I'm working hard to stay positive, but all of the attitude, outright cruelty, and dissention from people I have bent over backwards for is flooring me.  All I asked for was a little patience an understanding for this challenging period in my life, and apparently that's impossible.  I've asked too much.

 

It's making me see people in a whole new light.  I'm rethinking years and years of interaction with people I thought I knew so well.

 

It's possible I had unrealistic expectations of reciprocity.  I've given and given for years on end, and finally I could use a little in return.  I didn't think I was acting for much.  That seems rather laughable now.  At first I was pissed, but now I'm just really disappointed.  I'm shocked by the amount of selfishness and immaturity that I'm surrounded by.  Again, these are names people are slinging my way.

 

For now, I'm going to have to stay focused on my goals.  I can't get wrapped up in the bitter bitch faces that are staring me down.  No, I'm sure a taste of your own medicine doesn't taste good.  I've been swallowing it for years.  The irony is that you're feeding it to yourself.

 

I'm here.  Still the same person who goes out of her way to do for others.  I'm just incredibly tired and busy at the moment.  I don't see all of your Facebook posts.  I can't return phone calls, texts and emails very promptly, but I will get to them.  A few days doesn't mean I don't care or that I am mad or ignoring you, it means I am that busy and don't have the time or energy to talk.  I turn my phone off when I am at home.  Mostly it's because I am asleep and really need the Zs.  It's nothing personal.  I'm not being dramatic.  I'm not being childish.  Stop being so self absorbed and show a little compassion and understanding.  Practice what you preach.